Beyond Toxic: Why Men Retreat, Why Women Resign, and How We Move Forward

There’s a new set of words making the rounds in conversations about dating and relationships: heteropessimism and heterofatalism. They capture a cultural mood many women recognize immediately.

From Heteropessimism to Heterofatalism

Heteropessimism (a term coined by sexuality scholar Asa Seresin) began as a way to describe the disappointment women often feel in heterosexual relationships. It’s the sigh after yet another partner avoids emotional depth, the eye-roll when a man won’t commit, the weary TikTok joke about “men being trash.”

But it’s not just about jokes—it’s about recurring patterns of behavior women have grown tired of:

• Emotional Unavailability — men who shut down, change the subject, or deflect with humor when conversations get serious.

• Avoidance of Responsibility — refusing to plan, initiate, or share the load of commitment in the relationship.

• Double Standards — expecting care, loyalty, or sexual availability without offering the same in return.

• Poor Communication — ghosting, breadcrumbing, or avoiding conflict rather than working through it.

• Dismissiveness — belittling women’s concerns, ignoring needs, or defaulting to stereotypes about “nagging.”

  
  

These daily realities pile up. Heteropessimism captures the fatigue of continuing to hope for change while constantly being disappointed.

Over time, though, that disappointment hardens into something heavier: heterofatalism. This goes beyond frustration—it’s the belief that heterosexual relationships are doomed to fail because men won’t change.

• Tone: Resigned, even despairing.

• Impulse: Withdraw, lower expectations, or explore different relational dynamics.

• Underneath: The death of hope itself.

In short, heteropessimism shrugs and complains; heterofatalism gives up and walks away.

The Weight of “Toxic Masculinity”

Running alongside this trend is another familiar phrase: toxic masculinity. 

Originally, it was meant to highlight destructive patterns—emotional suppression, dominance, entitlement, and relational neglect. The problem wasn’t masculinity itself, but the distortions of it.

Yet in popular culture, nuance often disappears. The shorthand has become:

“masculinity = toxic.”

That message lands hard. For men trying to be present, responsible, and loving, it feels unfair. The phrase is an accusation rather than a critique of behavior. Over time, the fatigue of being painted as “the problem” pushes men into corners.

Brad Pitt, reflecting on his own growth, found freedom in a safe group of men where honesty wasn’t punished. “It was this safe space where there was little judgment, and therefore little judgment of yourself… It was actually really freeing just to expose the ugly sides of yourself.”

By contrast, Jerry Seinfeld lamented the loss of clear masculine frameworks. “Yeah, I get the [toxic masculinity]… but still, I like a real man.”

And actor Justin Baldoni cast vision for change, “It’s time to redefine masculinity. Real strength is vulnerability. Real strength is being honest and open.”

The splits are obvious. Some men feel accused and withdraw, others long for a simpler past, and still others lean into redefining what masculinity can mean.

Why Men Are Becoming Passive

Many men today feel like it’s safer not to act at all.

• Fear of Cancellation. In a culture quick to condemn, one mistake can feel like the end. So men stay quiet.

• Loss of Clear Models. The old provider-protector mold has been deconstructed, but no clear new blueprint has replaced it.

• Shame vs. Invitation. If masculinity is always “toxic,” men hear shame rather than an invitation to grow.

• Relational Fatigue. Men feel misjudged; women feel abandoned. The cycle feeds itself.

Passivity, however, is costly. Women feel overburdened. Relationships lose energy. Men themselves become disconnected from their sense of purpose.

The Limbic Mind and the Battle Over Masculinity

One reason the conversations around heteropessimism, heterofatalism, and toxic masculinity feel so volatile is because they trigger limbic responses. The limbic system—the fight, flight, freeze, fawn, or flirt center of the brain—reacts to perceived threat faster than the rational mind can process.

When gender dynamics are framed in terms of blame, shame, or accusation, both men and women end up reacting from the limbic brain rather than engaging with empathy or reason.

• For Women: Repeated disappointment activates fight (“call it out”), flight (“withdraw from men altogether”), or freeze (“settle and stay quiet”). This shows up as heteropessimism (frustrated but still in the game) or heterofatalism (checking out completely).

  
  

• For Men: Being labeled “toxic” or feared triggers defensiveness (fight), passivity (freeze), or avoidance (flight). Many men retreat because the shame of being accused feels more threatening than the work of growing.

This is why the conversation feels gridlocked: two groups living from the limbic loop—cycling between fear, anger, retreat, and resignation—rather than from the prefrontal clarity where hope, reason, and compassion can be chosen.

(read more on this tension in my book The Limbic States, now available on Amazon: http://bit.ly/4lD7ohK )

Reclaiming Masculinity as Noble

The truth is this: masculinity itself isn’t toxic. Distorted masculinity is. Healthy masculinity is noble—marked by strength, courage, and service.

• Strength as Service. Not to dominate, but to protect and uplift.

• Leadership as Sacrifice. Not about control, but responsibility for others’ good.

• Vulnerability as Courage. Not weakness, but the bravery to be honest.

As Terry Crews put it, “Toxic masculinity is when you deny your emotions. Real strength is vulnerability. Real strength is being honest and open.”

Masculinity  then is reframed, not erased.

Scripture echoes this vision. In Genesis 1–2, men and women are created as partners, equally bearing God’s image and commissioned together to steward creation. In Ephesians 5, Paul calls husbands to love their wives “as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (v.25). That is sacrificial, servant-hearted leadership, not domination. And in the same breath, he calls wives and husbands both to “submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” (v.21).

Jesus himself embodies the kind of masculinity we need most:

• strength expressed through humility,

• power exercised through service,

• leadership marked by self-giving love.

He washed feet. He welcomed children. He laid down his life.

This is not toxic—it’s transformative.

A Path Forward

If heterofatalism says, “Men won’t change, so why try?” and toxic masculinity says, “Men are the problem,” then hope responds with a deeper truth: “Growth is possible, and it’s worth the effort.”

This path forward requires intentional steps from both women and men—not as adversaries, but as partners in the work of restoring trust, dignity, and possibility to relationships.

1. Name Behaviors, Not Identities. Too often, the conversation collapses into labels. “Toxic” becomes shorthand for “male,” and that leaves men defensive rather than open. A healthier approach is to be specific: call out emotional avoidance, relational neglect, selfishness, passivity, or entitlement. That clarity allows men to recognize the problem without assuming they themselves are inherently broken. It also keeps the door open for change—because behaviors can change when identities feel like they cannot.

2. Invite Men into Vision. Most men don’t want to feel like projects to be fixed; they want to feel like contributors to something meaningful. Instead of only telling men what’s wrong, invite them into what could be right. Ask questions like:

• “What would it look like if you showed up with your full strength in this marriage?”

• “How would your kids’ lives be different if they had your consistent presence?”

• “What impact could you make if you led with service instead of control?”

  
  

Framing growth as vision—not just correction—draws men forward. It honors their potential rather than just highlighting their flaws.

3. Celebrate Healthy Models. We need stories of men who are doing this well. Fathers who are emotionally engaged. Husbands who share the mental and emotional labor of home life. Friends who show up with loyalty, not just convenience. Colleagues who lead through humility rather than ego.

Celebration shifts the culture. When men see examples of masculinity that are strong and good, courageous and compassionate, it breaks the lie that they must choose between being respected or being relational.

4. Shift from Shame to Hope. Shame is paralyzing. It tells men, “You are the problem.” Hope says, “You are part of the solution.” That shift transforms the relational dynamic. When women frame conversations with an expectation of growth and possibility, men are more likely to step forward. When men receive correction as opportunity rather than condemnation, they are more likely to act with courage.

This doesn’t mean lowering standards. It means believing in change enough to keep calling one another higher.

Pulling It Together

The path forward isn’t about women doing all the emotional labor, nor is it about men reclaiming dominance. It’s about mutual responsibility: women empowered to name what’s wrong without fatalism, men empowered to live into what’s right without fear of cancellation.

The vision? A healthier partnership where both sides are free to thrive. Where masculinity is not shamed but sharpened, and femininity is not burdened but honored. Where love is not a battlefield, but a shared commitment to growth.

Final Word

We don’t have to live in fatalism. Women don’t have to settle for resignation, and men don’t have to retreat into passivity. Relationships don’t need to feel like a battlefield of accusation and disappointment.

We can confront toxic patterns without condemning masculinity. We can acknowledge weariness without giving up on hope. And we can rediscover God’s original vision for men and women. We can discover a better way forward—where women and men thrive together in mutual love, respect, and partnership.